Rick and Morty go to Walmart
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick and Morty need to make a trip to the Walmart pharmacy and learn just how fun window shopping can be.


RICK AND MORTY GO TO WALMART.

Rick and Morty are on the couch watching golf of all things.

"w...why are we watching golf Rick? Golf is so lame."

"All sports are lame Morty. To some degree they all involve a ball, a stick, and team work... Its the fans that should piss you off (Belch!) Morty! The fans...they spend billions per year to get told they can't bring a damn fanny pack inside the gold plated state subsidized stadium Morty! These fans, they spend all this money and time to cheer on a team that doesn't even give enough a shit about them to bring in a fanny pack!"

"Oh-oh but geez Rick. At least... at least you know, football and baseball target working class people as an audience. Who does golf appeal too? Upper middle class old guys with too much time on their hands?"

Rick just looks down at Morty opening his flask to take a drink.

"You know you're beginning to sound like a social democrat Morty...just. Just watch the fat old white guy hit the stick and the ball go somewhere on a vast open field that could be better used for anything Morty."

Beth looks at both of them:

"Well if you two are'nt doing anything important you can stop by Walmart and pickup Jerry's hemheroid medication."

"Oh...oh geez mom! That's gross. I mean I know we all have problems but I don't want to think about dad having splinters in his sphincter!"

"I deal with splintered horses asses all day Morty...you and Rick can be useful for once it won't kill you. Besides, we also need bread ans eggs."

Rick throws himself up.

"FINE! We'll (belch) go to the stupid Walmart!"

Rick pulls out his portal gun and Beth grabs his hand.

"No portal guns! You're going to use a car like a normal...you're going to spend time with Morty in a way that DOES NOT involve aliens or weird monsters that bend physics, and you're going to remember bread and eggs or so help me dad!"

"Jesus Beth (belch) why don't you just cut my balls off too? Christ...comeon Morty. Let's go at the alarmingly slow rate of 40mph and take fifteen minutes what could otherwise take LITERALLY A SECOND BECAUSE YOUR GRANDPA IS A GENIUS AND YOUR MOTHER IS AN INSECURE CLUTZ... to go pick up your doofy father's ass cream."

"Oh geez..."

As Rick is at a red light his face looks more annoyed than usual.

"I'm already sick of this Morty...this, this is asinine. Y'know if I was you or Jerry having to work and go to school than do this shit I'd flip the (beeelch) fuck out."

"Oh geez Rick. Its just a red light."

"Its not just a red light Morty! Loo...look at (belch) that over there Morty! The flash cameras Morty! People getting a fucking ticket for no reason Morty! But...but if you DON'T drive you're a loser Morty! You need to pay big bucks for a car, insurance for the car, tickets, and DEAL WITH THIS SHIT...just so some used up whore at your school lets you stick your dick in her hole Morty!"

"Oh geez Rick... you sound like. You sound like one of those red pill guys on youtube or something."

"This isnt the red pill Morty! This is (belch) the motherfucking blackpill!"

They park at Walmart.

"We're finally at this hellhole Morty...finally in the sixth circle of American hell where dreams of millions of working class people go to die as they work for a company that pays them a shit wage whilst changing their hours and schedule weekly so that they cant have a life outside of work."

"Oh geez Rick. There...there should be laws against that sort of thing you know?"

"There is Morty but Walmart doesnt give a fuck and neither do its victims Morty. People will make excuse after excuse. That's why Facebook can spy on you better than the CIA, Reddit can ban you for saying the word queer, 4chan can doxx you but than ALSO ban you for mentioning the process of doxxing, and a slew of other things Morty. This...this is the (belch) real wild west Morty. And your piss ant mom took my portal gun so we cant escape now Morty..."

"Geez Rick. That's my mom and your daughter you're talking about y'know!"

Rick shakes Morty.

"WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE?!"

As he goes to slap Morty the electric doors open and theres a greeter.

"Welcome to Costsco... I love you."

Rick and Morty just state blankly at the employee.

"Heheh...a bit of humor y'know? A bit of G rated humor with pop references that helps me hide the misery that is the fact I don't know what I'm going to do in ten years because I can barely afford rent much less think about starting a family or retirement... but I better act grateful while I stand here for nine hours with no breaks like a fucking Korean war prisoner or someone else will get my job."

"Oh geez Rick..."

"Tip of the iceberg Morty. Keep moving..."

"Please dont go! You're the only human interaction management lets me have! They don't let employees speak to one another!"

As they go through the corridors of useless goods Rick looks at different items.

"What were we here for again? Oh right your dad's butt cream..."

"Geez Rick y'know...Walmart advetises itself as having exceedingly low prices but I...I dont see how these prices are much lower if at all lower than anywhere else."

"It's a gimmick Morty. They might sprint a few bursts of sales during summer time or whatever to get people hooled and coming back but ultimately the price cap is pretty stern to keep an economy moving. (Belch) most often a sale just makes people FEEL like they are saving money... when in reality if they wanted to save money they just wouldnt spend it. Or rob the store. I don't know Morty...shopping is dumb."

"B...but you dont wanna"

"What (belch!) go to jail Morty? You worried if you steal fron this shit store you'll go to jail and have it any worse than that greeter guy? Maybe youll get raped in jail Morty. Raped and need buttcream just like Jerry."

"Oh geez Rick thats...thats not something you say to a kid y'know? I...im pretty sure that's child abuse or something!"

"Than put me in jail Morty! P...put me in jail for looking at this fat old lady wrong Morty thats pretty much what its come down too that this point!"

"I have a thyroid problem!"

Rick pushes the old lady down and she wiggles her cankles teetering left and right.

"Oh geez Rick you cant..."

"What Morty? What are they gonna do? BAN me? This aint fucking Reddit Morty this is real life! They might bring some mininum wage security guard over so people look at me like a bad dude and i'm so embarassed I just leave...but im not gonna leave Morty! I (belch) I need to get your dad's buttcream Morty!"

"Geez Rick lets just get the medicine and go please?"

"Ok Morty...ok Morty just this once for you. (belch!)"

As they head to the pharmacy and get the hemheroid medication right in front of them is the security guard with sunglasses on and chewing bubblegum.

"I saw what you did to that poor old lady... gotta say im not impressed."

"Oh geez Rick!"

Rick squints at the guard and can see his reflection in the sunglasses.

"And just what do YOU plan to do about it?"

The security guard blows a big bubble and it pops.

"Not a God damn thing thats what...they took my stool. Standing is for greeters. I wasted six months getting my license and I end up doing just as much work as these shmucks. Someones gotta pay...but it dont have to be you oldman. Not today... if you REALLY want to fuck with the store just be a dumbass and window shop. Misplace objects or decide at checkout you dont want them... if food it gets thrown out and if in the wrong place we have to write it off as lost revenue after a while. You could cost this place tens of thousands..."

Morty raises his finger

"B...but wont that cause massive layoffs to even things out mr guard?"

"The fuck do I care little man? We are all already dead...maybe when half of the God damn population is unemployed things will start to change. Either way im a third party contractor... they cant fire me. But I cannot directly intervene against the walmart either. But you two can. Please..."

He takes off his sunglasses and tears run down his puffy red eyes.

"I havent slept in weeks..."

The security guard turns on his radio to Kid Rock's cowboy song while Rick and Morty spend the whole day misplacing stuff. Night falls and they head back to the car and go home. On the news its said a local walmart just closed down do to mass revenue loss in less than 24 hours. They have never seen anything like it. Some redneck guy with a confederate hat on says "it was that FUCKING OBAMA!!!"

Rick tosses the pharmacy bag in Jerry's lap as he sits on his donut seat.

"Got your buttcream Jerry. You're (belch) welcome..."

Beth crosses her arm and raises her brow:

"That took you all day to do?"

"(belch) yea me and Morty...me and Morty lost track of time looking around."

"Did you remember the bread and eggs?"

"...SHIT!"


End file.
